Why?

I'm just back from two days spent at the beach with friends, some new, some old. Two days at the beach should mean fun, and they were fun, so, why am I depressed? It is since yesterday that I've been feeling my mood switching from good to bad, from confident to scared, but I thought it was just a moment. Today it happened again, I spent some time by myself and it felt great. Now that I'm back, I feel like a hole in me, and I have the feeling that the balance that I had been bulding in these weeks has been disturbed because of something in these two days. I guess it's just a problem of conflict between hope and lack of hope: I try to be as good as I can with the first one, but I guess it doesn't always work that well, it's probably normal, I guess. However, tt was probably not the best then, to finish today to reread last Terzani's book, "The End is my Beginning." The book is beautiful, but the end of it is obviously sad. I can not avoid to simpathize with his family, next to him until the very last moment, their strenght, his strenght in front of death. It was probably not the best to read the following words, which should be accompanied by an instinctive sense of hope in the reader, feeling that I don't have in this moment. Terzani says: "And remember, I will be there. I'll be there, in the air. Then, from time to time, if you feel like talking to me, put yourself aside, close your eyes and look for me. We'll talk to each other. But not with the language of words. In the silence." This post is not very coherent in his whole, but I'm tired and depressed, and therefore excused. However, I'm going to try to do something about this, because it's during this moments that one should look for himself, and not when everything is good. Again, Terzani says: "When people have a problem, instead than freezing, instead then being silent and listening to the voice of the heart, hang out, go in the middle of the crowd, go to the cinema, go to have sex, to get stunned, to forget. Instead than freezing. Until a day it arrives, it arrives..."